


The Bumpy Road that is Us

by GoingCaked



Series: No Path is Ever Completely Smooth [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Asexual Character, Lack of Communication, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 00:43:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3549707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoingCaked/pseuds/GoingCaked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Ray figures out he’s asexual he has a week of doubt and angst, not helped by the others floundering as they try to deal with this new information.</p>
<p>Written as a sequel to Figuring Yourself Out is a Rough Business, but can be understood without reading that first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bumpy Road that is Us

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains discussion of dubiously consensual sex, unintentional acephobia, mentions of rape, and a mention of spiders. Also slight very old spoilers for Supernatural.

Ray spent the first couple of hours after their little heart to heart basking in the lack of tension. He felt like the world had gotten brighter and he couldn’t stop a small smile from playing across his lips. During recording he kept turning to share a fond glance with the others, and he had been playfully bumping his knee into Michael’s.

But by lunch the jubilation was starting to ware off and his nerves were returning, and he could tell that he wasn’t the only one. He was getting a bit of an off vibe from all of them, but it was easiest to notice with Michael. Usually Michael was fairly tactile. He had no problem grabbing and shoving at anyone, particularly his boys. But even though Ray had spent the last couple hours playing footsie with him he’d never gotten more than the smallest shoves, and Michael was uncharacteristically _not_ escalating things.

Ray frowned to himself as he watched Michael go over to talk to Ryan about something. He was probably imagining things. Or Michael was just tired or something. After all he would have spent the weekend wondering if he was going to be down a boyfriend. That was enough to put anyone in an off mood.

Ray felt a pang of guilt at that. God, he’d spent so much time that weekend worrying about his own shit that he’d never bothered to think about how rough it must have been on the others. He’d never even sent them a text or anything, since he’d wanted to be alone. But the others must have spent the entire time worried, especially Michael, Gavin and Jack who had only heard the ‘guess what, your an idiot!’ conversation and not actually gotten a voice in it. Ray would have to make it up to them somehow.

_How?_ He wondered and tried not to grimace. How much did the others actually _like_ romance stuff? In movies and shit guys were always being given sex as a ‘reward,’ but how accurate was that? Woman were given romance shit as their bribe, after all, so someone must like it? But then again it’s mostly men who write movies, and sexism and all that, so maybe that wasn’t real either? But then _why_ would romance shit exist at all if no one liked it? Was it all just a precursor? But, no, he’d read somewhere that more men that complained they wanted their partners to be more romantic than there were women who did, so that meant they did _like_ romance, right?

God, how was he supposed to do _any_ of this? He half thought maybe he should just flat out ask Geoff, but then he thought better of it. He knew that Geoff would be more than willing to talk to him about it, no matter how awkward that conversation would be, but he doubted Geoff would actually be honest. Geoff would want to keep Ray happy, and as much as Ray was getting that he’d been wildly misinformed about pretty much everything, he was still pretty confident he had a lock on the whole ‘people pretend constantly’ thing.

So. Right. Back to not knowing shit.

It wasn’t like he was any good at romance either. He felt like maybe an ‘asexual’ was supposed to be _better_ at romance to compensate, like with blind people having better hearing, but Ray had always been terrible at it. It had always just seemed cheesy to him. Maybe he _should_ just have sex with them. His stomach twisted at the thought. Although sex was definitely fun on occasion, this close to all the stress of that bet made Ray _really_ not keen to go there, so that was out.

It felt like a dick move to just sit around waiting for someone else to tell him how to make it up to them, but anything he tried would probably just be stupid. Fuck it, he’d just go buy alcohol for the drinkers and think of something else for Ryan. It wasn’t a real ‘making things up to them’ thing, but at least it would show that he knew he had something to make up _for_ , which would be a start.

  
  


***

  
  


After work Geoff invited them all over to his and Gavin’s, loudly proclaiming that they hadn’t been able to just hang out for a week and he’d missed having them all together. Ray felt another twist of guilt at that, but he tried to push it aside. Yeah, it was his fault, but he was sure no one would actually _want_ him feeling totally miserable about it instead of enjoying spending time with them.

At some point Geoff had acquired some pretty decent steaks that he wanted the barbecue up for the rest of them. Ray wondered idly if maybe Geoff had gotten them during the weekend to either celebrate that Ray wasn’t breaking up with them, or mourn Ray’s loss. Or Ray was reading to much into it and there had been a sale on or something. He didn’t fucking know.

Either way it meant instead of being inside like civilized people they were out in Geoff’s backyard by the pool.

Gavin had been in his bathing suit almost faster than Ray could track, jumping into the pool with a whoop. Usually Michael would have been right there with him, but today he went over to Ray first. “You sure you don’t want to join?” he asked. He was keeping his expression light, but Ray thought there might have been something playing under the surface.

Ray shook his head and snorted, “Pretty sure my DS would break in the pool,” he joked.

Michael snorted back and swatted him in the head. Ray leaned away, chuckling and preparing for a brief shoving match, but instead Michael pulled his hand back like he’d been burned.

“Uhh, sorry,” Michael muttered, not looking at Ray. He looked around awkwardly for a second then hurried inside to change.

Ray stared after him with his eyebrows knit. Okay, so there definitely _was_ something up. With Michael at least.

But before he could think about it any further Geoff had clapped his hand tight on Ray’s shoulder and was leading him over to the barbecue.

“You’re going to help me grill,” Geoff declared with glee.

Ray gave him a doubtful look. Ray couldn’t cook worth shit. Never could, never _wanted_ to. Usually if Geoff needed help with the grill he’d get fellow southerners Ryan or Jack. There was usually a silent understanding that letting one of the lads near the thing would not turn out well for anyone.

But Geoff didn’t seem to care as he steered Ray over and started showing him the spices that he used for the steaks.

Ray didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but did his best to feign interest, or at least attention, in what Geoff was telling him. He’d probably have a better idea of what Geoff was saying if he knew more than half the words Geoff was using. If Geoff wanted to actually show him this stuff, for whatever fucking reason, then Ray was going to have to go to Google or his mom to find out what all the cooking words meant, because Ray had no fucking clue.

Finally Geoff plopped the steaks on the grill and started poking at them with his tongs, still going on about how you tell when it’s time to flip them and stuff. Ray nodded, wondering if this was payback for all the times that he and Michael went off about Pokemon. If it was then it was hardly fair that Michael got to avoid it.

Ray was so busy pretending to pay attention to Geoff that he almost didn’t notice that Ryan and Jack were having a hushed conversation on the other side of the pool, but he caught sight of them out of the corner of his eye.

They seemed to be pretty intent on whatever they were discussing, and Ray was pretty fucking sure they were discussing _him_ , if the way they kept shooting him looks was anything to go by. Ray was also pretty damn sure _what_ they were talking about, but that didn’t stop him from shouting over, “Hey, don’t worry! Geoff’s not letting me touch the meat. I can hardly ruin it just by looking.” He grinned and tried to put as much joke in his voice as he could.

Jack and Ryan both jumped, looking momentarily guilty at being caught, but they recovered quickly. They both laughed, and Ryan called back, “Don’t worry, we know only Gavin’s _that_ bad.”

“Oi,” Gavin squawked indignantly from the pool, “Be nice.”

Ryan laughed and leaned over to splash some water in his direction.

Gavin squawked even louder and started towards Ryan, but Michael took the opportunity to pounce on Gavin’s back, pulling him under.

Ray laughed at the antics as Gavin came up sputtering and tried futilely to pull Michael down in revenge.

Ray turned to share the mirth with Geoff but stopped when he found Geoff looking at him a bit pinched.

“What?” Ray asked, frowning.

Geoff shook his head and smiled, “Nothing,” he said. “You know if you want I could let you man the meat?”

“Uhh,” Ray answered. Geoff seemed enthusiastic enough about whatever it was he was doing that Ray didn’t want to disappoint him, but he was also pretty sure he _would_ ruin the steaks if he did more than look at them. “I think I’m good for now. Maybe next time when you have some cheaper cuts?” Ray offered. “I think I have to go to the bathroom, actually,” Ray said, and tried to make it not look like he was escaping inside.

He let his shoulders slump a little as soon as he was out of view of Geoff and rolled his eyes to himself. He really didn’t know what _that_ was about. Maybe Geoff was worried that he couldn’t feed himself? It was a genuine concern, but he couldn’t think why Geoff would start worrying about it now. Or why he’d decide to start dealing with it by teaching Ray how to use a cooking device he didn’t _own_. But, whatever, it was cool seeing Geoff enthusiastic about cooking, even if Ray didn’t know or care what he was talking about.

Ray spent maybe a _little_ longer than necessary in the bathroom, but oh well, before heading back out. He found Ryan gathering up plates in the kitchen and grabbed some cups to help. Ryan nodded his thanks and they brought the dishes outside.

Michael and Gavin climbed out of the pool as the rest of them set the patio table.

Dinner was good. It always was when Geoff cooked. Ray wasn’t sure if it was still the lingering awkwardness or a coincidence, but the conversation was kept firmly about videos. As much as they kept their relationship out of the office, it was impossible to keep the office out of their relationship, not that any of them minded too much.

They were in the middle of discussing whether or not they should release the latest Behind the Scenes of Gavin being an absolute moron. The video was funny, but they also didn’t want _everything_ they did to be for public consumption, when Jack asked, “So Ray, are you going to tell the audience you’re asexual?”

The banter stopped very suddenly, and all eyes were on Ray. Ray paused with his fork halfway to his mouth, “Uhh, no,” he said, thinking the answer should be obvious.

Jack frowned, “Why not? You don’t have to mention that any of us are dating for that, and it would be good visibility for asexuals.”

Ray flinched minutely. He still wasn’t used to hearing the word applied to him, “Well yeah, but who cares right?” he tried, shrugging like it was no big deal.

Jack just kept on frowning, “It would be good representation.”

Ray felt a prickle of irritation and just wanted Jack to shut up already, “Dude we’re not exactly Glee, it’s fine.”

Jack pressed on, “Well you don’t want to be lying to them either, do you?”

Anger spiked suddenly through Ray, “Yeah, and when are you going to tell them you’re gay?” he snapped back and looked down angrily at his food, ripping off a chunk and chewing resolutely.

The others stared at him uncertainly for a few seconds before returning to their own plates. An awkward quiet hung over them until Michael mercifully broke the silence by drawing the others into a conversation about upcoming releases.

Ray glared at his plate in silence. He didn’t know where the fuck that had come from. The conversation about not wanting to come out as gay or bi to the audience had already been had to death. They were _all_ worried that if they did they would make their relationship too obvious. And Jack was right about their relationship having fuck all to do with whether or not Ray was asexual. So it didn’t make sense to throw Jack’s being publicly in the closet in his face.

But still, Ray _didn’t_ want to tell the audience. He hadn’t even taken time to _consider_ telling them. It felt stupid, for one. Who the fuck cared? He’d just come across looking like he wanted to be a special fucking snowflake. But also… He just didn’t want to tell _anyone_. Especially not in such definitive terms. It felt… He didn’t know.

After dinner Gavin hopped back in the pool with Michael. Geoff and Jack changed into their suits and joined them, and Ryan and Ray stayed at the side of the pool, with their phones, in comfortable silence. The evening dragged on for a little before it was time to turn in and in that lazy silence Ray allowed himself to just enjoy being around his boyfriends again.

When the sun was almost set the guys climbed out of the pool and started drying off.

Ray watched over his phone the way the water glistened on Michael’s new abdominal muscles. It really was quite the sight. Ray felt another flip of his stomach. Really, how sure was he that he was asexual? After all, if he were really asexual wouldn’t he not be noticing that? Straight guys didn’t admire each others abs, and wouldn’t an asexual look at _everyone_ like straight guys looked at each other?

Ray looked away and frowned. Maybe he was only looking because he had always been taught he was supposed to? But Michael’s stomach did look _very_ nice.

Jesus fuck, how embarrassing would it be if it turned out he _wasn’t_ asexual? And really, how sure _was_ he? It wasn’t like he _disliked_ sex after all, and he jerked it pretty frequently. He even watched porn. What if his stupid freak out had just been him being weird?

Shit, he fucking hated this.

Ray tried not to let any of his thoughts show on his face as he looked at the others. Gavin was patting the water out of his pelt with a towel while dancing away from Geoff.

Jack was watching them intently. When Gavin stayed on the ground after Geoff tackled him Jack walked up to him, grinning, and bent down and pulled Gavin up by the waist, like he was some sort of damsel.

Gavin smiled at Jack, who was giving him a heated look and they kissed deeply.

Ray smiled warmly at the two of them. He was so fucking glad that shit was back to normal. Now Jack and Gavin could just go bang, and not sit around being all uck everywhere.

Gavin cooed happily as Jack hoisted him over his shoulder.

“Geoff I think I’m staying over,” Jack said, kneading Gavin’s ass through his swimsuit.

Gavin made an indignant noise at the hold and wriggled. Jack just laughed and started towards the house when he saw Ray and stopped. Jack seemed to freeze for a second than hurriedly put Gavin down.

Gavin huffed as he righted himself, “Damn right!” he cheered, “I can walk on my own.”

Jack glanced nervously at Gavin, then back to Ray, “Uhh,” Jack started awkwardly, “I mean,” he stammered and looked at Geoff, “You’re guest room is all made up, right?” he asked, like a character in a sitcom trying not to let a kid know sex was going to be happening.

Ray frowned at him, but Geoff seemed to be going along with the ‘wacky don’t tell the kids!’ thing, “Right, yeah, you can totally stay in the guest room.”

Ray looked at the other three. Ryan had a mostly impassive look, but Michael was frowning at Jack and Geoff too, and Gavin just looked as blissfully confused as always.

“Whatever,” Ray said, when no one else seemed like they were going to say anything. “Ryan, think you could give me a lift home?” Ray asked.

“Sure,” Ryan said and they gathered their things to leave.

Whatever weirdness had gotten into Jack and Geoff seemed to be affecting the others as well, because no one exchanged goodbye kisses as they left.

  
  


***

  
  


Ray waited until Ryan had pulled around the street corner before asking him, “Could you help me out with something?”

Ryan raised his eyebrow, “Sure, but I have to warn you, my usual body dumping site is getting pretty full.”

Ray laughed. “No. I, uh, wanted to get some booze for the others.”

“What’s the occasion?” Ryan asked.

Ray shrugged, “You know, want to apologize for the last week.”

Ryan frowned and looked at him, “You don’t have anything to apologize for,” he reassured.

Ray shrugged again, “Yeah, but still, must have been pretty shitty going through the weekend not knowing if you still had all your boyfriends,” Ray half explained, half apologized.

Ryan nodded in understanding, “That wasn’t your fault, Ray. We all understand. Don’t worry about it.”

“Still though. So, will you help a brother out?”

Ryan nodded, “Of course. Just promise you won’t get me anything.”

Ray shrugged noncommittally and Ryan chuckled, “I’m serious, Ray. I’d just feel bad if you spent time racking your brains about what to buy me as an apology for having an _identity crisis_.”

Ray nodded in agreement, “Fine. Just know that I _am_ sorry. Next time I have a massive identity crisis I’ll be sure to text or something.”

Ryan snorted with amusement.

They ended up at a liquor store, possibly for the first time in both their lives. It was… honestly a lot more intimidating than Ray thought. There sure were a _lot_ of different types of booze. And it kind of smelt. Ray didn’t like it.

Since Ryan was, surprisingly enough, even _less_ helpful than Ray in this area, they ended up having to ask a sales person for help. They chose some scotch that probably cost too much, but Ryan and he were _pretty_ sure that they’d seen the others drinking before.

They’d gone to a liquor store nearer Geoff’s place, so they still had a drive back to Ray’s after.

“Thanks for helping me out, man,” Ray said.

“Don’t worry about it.”

There were several beats of silence then Ryan spoke up, “So was AVEN helpful?”

Ray nodded, “Yeah, it was pretty good.”

Ryan nodded, “Good, good. That’s good. So… I was looking through it too, and I was wondering, are you grey-asexual, or aromantic, or any of the other subcategories?”

Ray’s stomach twisted with uncertainty, and he just kind of shrugged evasively, “I don’t know. Just normal, I guess,” he mumbled.

Ryan nodded enthusiastically, “Alright then. Because the others and I were talking and we were _pretty_ sure you were just pure asexual, but we weren’t sure.”

Ray frowned at Ryan, “Glad to know I make for such interesting conversation.”

Ryan had the decency to look embarrassed, “Sorry. We were just, you know, trying to figure things out.”

“Yeah,” Ray agreed, and turned to look out the window.

He didn’t know why it surprised him that the others were talking about him or looking things up. He would have done the same thing in their position. But it was just… What if they found something to suggest he _wasn’t_ asexual? After all, there were a lot of first person accounts on AVEN, and probably even more on other sites. Yeah Ray had read enough to get, and he was sure the others would have as well, that ‘asexual purism’ was a bad thing, but that didn’t mean that the whole ‘someone’s asexual if they say they are’ was true either. Words had meanings or else what was the point. There was a way to determine if a person really was or wasn’t asexual. It would be really fucking embarrassing if one of the others came along and pointed out that, no, he wasn’t really asexual, he was normal but just fucked up.

  
  


***

  
  


Ray brought the booze in the next day, and apparently he and Ryan had made a good choice, if the others reactions were anything to go by. So that was good. And maybe Ryan was right and he _didn’t_ need to feel overly guilty about giving the others a bad week. It wasn’t like he’d been super pissed at any of the others when they did the same to him, after all. A gift would probably be enough.

Over the next couple of days the awkwardness he’d felt on Monday faded a little, but everyone was still acting super weird about touching him, and he hadn’t kissed any of them since… Fuck he couldn’t even remember when the last time he kissed his boyfriends was.

He needed to do something about that on the double. The unease he’d felt around all of them during that stupid bet was mostly gone now that there was no more unbearable sexual tension. Ray still wasn’t quite up to the idea of having sex or a full heavy make-out session or anything, but he was definitely ready to get back to the _kissing._ And he didn’t get why the others were avoiding that, he was pretty damn sure liking kissing had shit all to do with whether or not a person was asexual.

  
  


***

  
  


Michael and Gavin went over to his place after work on Wednesday for a lads games night, and things seemed to be going okay. The gents had been the source of most of the awkwardness, after all. All Gavin and Michael had done was be wary of touching him a bit.

They ordered Chinese and all sat in his living room trying to decide which game to put in.

“Dude, no Mario Karts, this is supposed to be a _fun_ night,” Ray joked. “Why don’t we play some Dragon’s Crown, that was pretty okay.”

Michael made a noise of agreement and went over to find the game, but before he could Gavin made a noise of protest.

“No, let’s play something different. We could play Angry Birds Star Wars? That was fun too.”

Ray shrugged, “Really more in the mood for killing stuff, to be honest.”

“Same,” Michael agreed. “If you don’t want to play Dragon’s Crown I could run and grab my X-box so we can all play something online.”

Gavin shrugged, “Well yeah, or we could play something Nintendo. Ray hasn’t played much Kirby?” Gavin suggested.

For some reason Gavin seemed to be really invested in them playing one of his picks, so Ray and Michael just rolled their eyes at each other and agreed.

Kirby was fun enough, even with Ray spending half the playtime _inside_ Gavin. It still probably would have been more fun to play a real game, but whatever, maybe Gavin was tired of losing all the time.

Ray was just glad to be relaxing with them again, it had been almost a month since he’d spent any time with Michael or Gavin. He’d been worried he’d feel awkward around them, especially Michael, but with them behaving themselves Ray barely felt nervous at all.

Ray even felt confident enough to cuddle up next to Michael. Michael had his arm wrapped loosely around Ray’s waist, and Ray was leaned into his side, enjoying Michael’s warmth.

They had to pause the game at one point because Gavin needed to take a call that he promised would be quick, but it was Gavin, so Michael and Ray weren’t holding their breath.

Michael reached up and brushed his hand through Ray’s hair. Ray shifted closer and smiled. Michael smiled back and leaned down to plant a kiss on Ray’s forehead.

Ray giggled and shifted them so he could catch Michael’s mouth. Michael was just as supple as ever. Ray brought his hand up to cup Michael’s cheek, letting his thumb stroke Michael’s jaw. Michael was the only one of them whose face was anything like soft at the end of the day.

They kissed each other lazily for several minutes, Michael’s hand slowly working it’s way up the back of Ray’s shirt. Ray was so lost in the moment that he wasn’t thinking of anything, just letting the practised motions happen. They’d been dating long enough that they no longer had to focus on what they were doing.

Ray didn’t really take in anything but how good Michael felt until he heard Gavin’s squawk as he came back into the main room.

Michael and Ray pulled away from each other, turning to give him a questioning look.

Gavin was looking oddly scandalized. Michael scowled at him, and Ray checked to make sure he wasn’t freaking about a large ass spider nearby or something. He’d been lucky enough not to have a mammoth in his apartment yet, but he knew it was only a matter of time given Texas’s stupid bugs, but he didn’t see anything.

Ray looked back towards Gavin, who was still looking shocked, “You were kissing!” he cried.

Ray stared at him, “Uhh, yeah?”

“But,” Gavin spluttered, “I thought you didn’t do that anymore!”

It honestly took Ray a second to remember what Gavin was talking about. He had been so caught up in enjoying their company, and the kissing, that he had forgotten about everything that had happened recently. But then it came back to him and Ray suddenly felt uncomfortable.

He knew Gavin was being a moron. There was no reason at all for him not to want to kiss anymore, but still. Had that not just been kissing? He knew in the movies when a guy had his hand up a girls shirt it meant they were close to having sex, but it didn’t have to mean that in real life, right? He hadn’t been angled so he could feel if Michael had an erection or not, and he was kind of tempted to check, but he didn’t _think_ so? Ray tried to think back to all the other times that someone had had a hand up his shirt while kissing, and most of those times didn’t lead to sex, he didn’t think? The others just knew that he liked having his backed stroked.

But then again, maybe that was _supposed_ to lead to sex and he’d really just been annoying everyone by not getting the hint?

Ray shot Michael a pensive, questioning look, but Michael just looked kind of guilty in response. That made Ray’s stomach twist worse. If Michael thought he had done something he should feel guilty for did that mean it really _was_ something more?

They all just sat there awkwardly for a few seconds, before _Gavin_ of all people decided to tactfully break the silence, “Michael, wasn’t there a thing you wanted to show me in your apartment?” Okay, so not subtle. But still, for Gavin that was practically Cold War level espionage.

“Err, right, that thing,” Michael said awkwardly, “Right, uhh, let’s go then.” He stood up, “Night, Ray,” he said and stepped forward as though he was going to do something, possibly kiss him, but then thought better of it. They just stayed there looking at each other awkwardly before Michael finally turned around abruptly and walked to the door.

Gavin hovered for a second, just as awkward, before saying, “Goodnight, Ray. See you tomorrow,” and following Michael out.

Ray slumped backwards as the door closed. So then had that kissing really been a sex thing? _He_ liked kissing, so did that mean it wasn’t a sex thing? Or maybe it was proof that he wasn’t really asexual? But _loads_ of people on AVEN said they liked kissing. But then again, there were tons of different kinds of kissing, so maybe that kind _had_ been a sex thing? But then how the fuck were you supposed to know if a certain type of kissing was sex kissing?

He guessed he could just _ask_ Michael if them kissing like that had been a sex thing, which would be a great conversation.

It would also seriously suck if it turned out it _was_ always a sex thing. That meant that not only would it be super weird for Ray to kiss them like that anymore, but also that he’d been majorly leading them on this whole time.

God, was he going to have to learn a new way to kiss? He knew stuff like the little pecks you gave to your aunt weren’t sexy, was _that_ what the people on AVEN were talking about? He hoped not, that kind of thing was fine for a quick goodbye, but wasn’t really good for anything else. He knew his boyfriends could _probably_ learn to be okay with doing sexy kisses with Ray and then not having sex, but Ray felt guilty at the thought of doing that to them. He didn’t want to be a tease, after all.

It was so fucking stupid. You should be able to fucking do something without it always being about sex.

Ray glared at the TV for a few seconds before turning the game off. He didn’t want to have to think about things even to the degree it took to play a game.

He channel surfed for a few minutes, trying desperately to keep his thoughts at bay before settling on a Supernatural re-run.

He’d seen it before, but long enough ago that he could still get himself engrossed in the plot. It was the one where they met the fallen angel chick. Ray let himself fall into the plot. It had been so long that he actually couldn’t remember _how_ they saved her, or if they even did. He was pretty sure she died later? Whatever, it was good to enjoy it again.

Ray let himself relax as the tension in the episode built. That is until the scene were ex-angel Anna and protagonist Dean had a heart to heart about what was so great about being human. He’d totally forgotten this scene. Apparently the answer to what was so great about being human was sex.

Ray stomach clenched. The first time he’d watched this he must have just not realized what was going on. After all ‘chocolate cake’ was apparently another good thing, and loads of people weren’t huge fans of chocolate. He must have thought the sex line was just a joke. Or maybe it was? God, how pathetic was that that he couldn’t even tell if something was a _joke_ anymore.

Ray wrapped his arms around himself and stared at the screen as the two characters started to get it on in the car. He’d thought sex scenes were a bit dumb before. That it was just some romance for the chicks, and something that you were supposed to pretend to like for macho reasons but didn’t really care about for the dudes. But… that wasn’t the case, was it?

People couldn’t seriously be adding that many sex scenes in _just_ to turn people on, could they? That would be a fucking stupid thing to waste time on. Plus wouldn’t that take away from whatever the show or movie was _supposed_ to be making you feel?

And really, now that he was thinking back on it, there were a _lot_ of boobs in media. Ray felt his brain practically _stutter_ over the realization that _the boobs in video games made guys want sex._ He wouldn’t have been surprised if his mouth actually dropped open at that revelation. He’d figured it out about, like, models and commercials and shit, but somehow he’d never put it together in regards to his favourite hobby.

He’d thought the chicks were like that because… fuck he didn’t know _what_ he’d thought. But no. They had honestly been added so that guys could fantasize about having sex with them.

How…?

That really couldn’t be possible, could it? After all Jack always played as a chick and he wasn’t constantly hard while playing. So… what exactly did it _take_ for someone to be aroused by that stuff? Or, god was it just thinking about having sex with someone, or was it something else? He didn’t think video game designers would want the players going off on a sex fantasy in the middle of a mission after all, but maybe?

God he was actually going to have to buckle down and _ask_ one of his boyfriends about it. And until then he couldn’t think of anything to distract himself with that didn’t have sex in it somehow. Even little kid stuff had, like, love interests. But those weren’t about the sex, were they? Ray knew that most kids stuff added jokes for the adults, but adding an entire main _character_ seemed weird. But then again, it was adults who wrote the stuff, so maybe they always added that in because _they_ thought it was important?

He _didn’t know_. God, how was he supposed to understand _anything_ anymore if children’s shows were beyond him?

  
  


***

  
  


Ray wasn’t feeling any more settled when he got up the next morning. Apparently another big piece of the ‘not thinking about it’ dam had broken.

He spent forever trying to decide what he was going to wear. Every time he pulled out a shirt all he could think of was the times someone told him he looked hot in it, and wondering if maybe all those times his shirt had made someone want to _bang_ him. The thought honestly made him pretty nauseous. He didn’t _want_ strangers thinking about him like that.

The prickling on the back of his neck that he’d felt whenever he was around his boyfriends for the entirety of Gavin’s stupid no-sex-bet was back now, only now it was at the thought of being around _anyone_.

Ray kind of really just wanted to crawl into bed and _hide._ Everyone always joked that he was afraid of going outside, but for the first time he felt some actual _dread_ at the thought.

Ray scrunched his eyes shut and took a couple deep breaths.

This was fucking stupid. He’d been fine for _years._ Nothing about the outside world had changed. Any sex thoughts people had had about him they’d been having forever, nothing had changed.

That didn’t actually reassure him, but he didn’t want to hide like a baby either, so he just reached out and chose a shirt at random, putting it on without looking before grabbing his stuff to leave.

Ray was hyper aware of the people in the cars as he crossed the street to work. He felt like everyone was looking at him and it was making his skin crawl.

When he got inside it wasn’t much better. He tried to be friendly to his co-workers, so he got a lot of greetings when he went to the kitchen to deposit his lunch in the fridge. Usually even at his most socially awkward he’d only be worried about if he sounded or looked stupid to these people, but suddenly he had another worry. God, how fucking awful would it be if someone in the office wanted to have _sex_ with him?

He’d never been so relieved to be behind the door to the Achievement Hunter office.

Of course that meant that there was always a chance that one of his _boyfriends_ was wanting to have sex with him. But that thought wasn’t nearly as scary. He’d boned them before, probably would again. The thought that while they were boning the other person had been getting something else out of it was… Ray didn’t know how to deal with that, but, you know, his boyfriends were okay.

But even if the thought of one of his boyfriends wanting to have sex with him didn’t fill him with the same dread that the thought of a stranger wanting that did, he still wasn’t completely _comfortable_.

All through the morning he found himself hyper aware of every move he made. All he could think about every time he moved was the times he’d heard people say ‘ooh look at the flex of his arms’ or ‘ooh look how she bends over’. He didn’t want to turn one of his boyfriends on, partially because the thought of sex still intimidated him, but also because it just made him _uncomfortable_ to think about.

By lunch he was exhausted with constantly watching himself and hid in the office while everyone else either went out or to the kitchen. He was too worried that his eating could be seductive, and he just really, really needed a brake to catch his breath.

Man it made him miss the days of being worried his fly was down or that he’d said something dumb.

He didn’t know how everyone else did it. Just a few hours of worrying that he was turning people on had him exhausted. And everyone else had to worry about that too, right? Most people wouldn’t want to have any sexy business with the majority of people, right? Or did people only pretend to have standards to keep up appearances?

Ray dropped his sandwich into it’s container and put his head in his hands. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

  
  


***

  
  


The others seemed to pick up on his mood after lunch and all individually decided that they weren’t going to be the one to handle it, so he was left alone.

They only had about thirty minutes of editing in silence though before Ryan came in to film.

The game was going fine, and energy was were it should be, so everything was business as usual.

Ray let out an annoyed shout as Gavin rear ended him with his car, “Dude! You plowed into me!” Ray yelled at him.

Gavin gave a juvenile laugh, “I’ll plow you any time, X-Ray.”

Ray didn’t even have time to snort before everyone else suddenly fell silent.

“Uhh,” Gavin said, “Sorry. Inappropriate.”

Ray turned and frowned at him, “How?” he asked, super confused.

Gavin just looked awkward and looked around at the others for help.

Everyone else had stopped playing as well, to look at _him._

“What?” Ray asked, having no idea what was going on.

Geoff broke the silence first, “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” he tried to reassure, hurriedly.

Ray raised his eyebrow at him, “No, really, what?” But then a thought started to dawn on him, “Are you guys freaking out because Gavin made a _sex joke_?”

It was a ridiculous thought. Stupid sex jokes were the fucking _bread and butter_ of Achievement Hunter. Ray had always made just as many of them as the others, maybe even _more._ So why the fuck would the others suddenly think they needed to watch what they said around him?

But the expressions on the others faces told him he was right. Ray made an irritated noise, “You guys really think I’m going to freak out if sex is _mentioned_?” he asked in disbelief.

Geoff shrugged, looking sheepish. “We just didn’t want you being upset,” he mumbled weakly.

Ray scoffed, “Seriously? Dude it’s not even like the stupid jokes are turning anyone on. They’re just fucking _jokes_.”

Geoff chuckled awkwardly, “Yeah, of course, sorry.”

“Good, glad we got that cleared up,” he muttered, turning back to the game. He wasn’t nearly as involved for the rest of the recording, but he was usually pretty quiet, so whatever.

  
  


***

  
  


They didn’t get together that night because most of them were busy. Ray was kind of relieved. He was tired from having to watch himself all day, even if he had kept forgetting to. And he was still a little mad that apparently they had all gotten together behind his back to agree not to tell sex jokes. It was like they were treating him like a little kid. It was fucking insulting.

Ray felt even angrier that it led him to think about whether or not there _was_ something that made him uncomfortable about sex jokes. But luckily he found he still found them just stupid ‘haha I can make jokes too, also sexism’ things, so he could feel insulted in peace.

He kind of felt like a baby for doing it, but Ray kind of just wanted to find the most sexless thing he could so he could just _avoid_ all the nonsense for a night, and ended up putting on a shooter specifically _because_ it had no women (or gays, for that matter) and tried to lose himself in achievement grinding.

  
  


***

  
  


Friday night they were going to sleep over at Geoff and Gavin’s. Ray wasn’t _entirely_ sure how that was going to work, seeing as he was pretty sure the others would want to have sex, and he still didn’t, but he figured if Geoff had fucking talked to the others about what _jokes_ they could tell around him then he probably had a solution. _Maybe Geoff would set up a crib_ , Ray thought derisively.

The day contained, just, way to much filming. But luckily the lingering awkwardness had seemed to have cleared up. Ray kind of suspected that it had been from the others trying to avoid telling any sex jokes, which must have been taking about 95% of their brain power.

But they finally finished off their last recording, early for once, and Geoff declared the day over.

Those of them with overnight bags grabbed them and they headed towards the cars. If they were staying over on a weeknight they would have all piled into one, but none of the drivers wanted to be without a car for a whole weekend.

Geoff said he had to swing by the grocery store so let Ryan take Michael and Gavin.

Jack offered Ray a seat in his car so he didn’t have to listen to the three of them the whole ride over. Ray accepted gratefully and threw his bag in the back of Jack’s car and climbed into the passenger seat.

Jack fiddled around looking for something for so long that Ryan and Geoff had already rounded the corner. Ray looked over curiously, “Need help finding something?”

Jack sat up and put his hands on the wheel looking nervous, but making no move to start the car. He didn’t even have his keys out.

Jack sat there for several seconds as Ray stared at him, getting more and more confused. Eventually Ray asked, “Everything okay?”

Jack huffed, “Yeah. It’s just… I wanted to talk to you. Thought you might be more comfortable doing it here.”

Ray looked around, “…in the Rooster Teeth parking lot?”

Jack just shrugged.

“Oookay?” Ray said, “So what did you want to talk about?”

Jack looked at him, then looked away again and shrugged, “I just haven’t really talked to you since… You know.”

Ray nodded, not really knowing what Jack was trying to get at, “Okay.”

Jack squeezed the steering wheel and relaxed his grip slowly, “Ray, I want you to be honest with me about something.”

That definitely got Ray’s attention. Ray sat up straighter, heart starting to beat faster in anticipation, “Of course.” His mouth hadn’t gone dry, but he was hyper aware of the saliva in it. Being asked to be honest was never a good sign.

“Did we ever force you to have sex?”

Ray actually needed a second for his brain to catch up to what Jack had said, “What?” he asked in shock, then laughed, “What, do you think you’ve just forgotten holding me down, or drugging me, or something? Don’t worry, I do _like_ sex.”

Jack just continued to look serious, “Just because you could always _tolerate_ it doesn’t mean you always _wanted_ it. You’re asexual, Ray. You don’t want sex the way we do, but you’ve been having it anyway.”

Ray stopped laughing and bit his lip, looking out the window, “Oh, that.” That. The big question of how could he be asexual and still be okay with sex. Without having to put words and explanations to it, it seemed pretty simple. He never really craved banging, but banging was definitely fun. He could stare at Ryan’s arms or Gavin’s ass for hours without any crotch stirrings, but he still got boners, and liked them, and liked introducing them to the others' boners. At least sometimes. None of that seemed in the least bit contradictory when he was feeling it, but he didn’t know how to _explain_ it.

The fucking problem was he _didn’t know_ what sexual attraction was supposed to feel like. How was he supposed to explain the differences between his feelings and something he didn’t know anything about? How was he even supposed to know if he had _had_ sexual feelings or not? And yet he was the weird one, so it lay on him to try and explain himself, even though it didn’t seem like _anyone_ was able to clearly explain themselves when it came to this shit.

Ray shook his head, trying to keep it simple, “If I didn’t feel like it I just said no. No one had to sit me down for a heart to heart to explain that you all weren’t going to die of blue balls because _one_ of your five boyfriends didn’t want to bang.” He tried to keep his tone light, but was still very aware that this wasn’t a light conversation. Unfortunately.

Jack nodded, “Okay, yeah, that’s true. But…” Jack sighed and Ray could tell that this was he crux of what he wanted to say. “When it was all six of us you never said no,” Jack pointed out gently.

Ray looked away again, staring resolutely out the window. No one had fucking _forced_ him to do anything. But that wasn’t what Jack was asking, not really. Jack wanted to know if there was any time that, if it had been totally up to Ray, he wouldn’t have had sex with them.

Ray’s mind flashed back to the end of the bet celebration. That had been the worst instance by far, and the only time he’d actually _freaked out_. But he also couldn’t deny that there had been other, smaller moments. Blowjobs accepted only because he was supposed to like them, times were all he could do was stroke someone and wish it was over so he could go back to playing his games. His birthday were they all wanted to give him a ‘present’ and he’d just gone along with it and pushed down any unease.

All because he hadn’t known how to really say ‘no’ because he didn’t have a proper reference for ‘yes.’ None of those times had affected him like that night two weeks ago, but they’d all left him feeling just a little unsettled, just a little uncomfortable in his own skin, just a little… forced.

But that wasn’t going to happen again. He understood now. He knew what was supposed to go into his ‘yes.’ He might not understand at all what it was like for normal people, but he understood what _he_ wanted sex for, and that that was good enough criteria for if the sex should involve him or not. He wasn’t going to just go with it because ‘that’s what boyfriends do, don’t be a spoil sport’ anymore. So there was no point making Jack feel guilty about something that didn’t need fixing and wasn’t his fault.

Ray looked back over at Jack and shrugged carelessly, “Nope, can’t think of anything.”

He doubted that Jack believed him, and they’d probably have this conversation again, maybe lots of times, but Jack nodded like his answer was good enough and finally pulled his keys out of his pocket to start the car.

Ray wasn’t sure what to feel as they drove to Geoff’s. On the one hand he didn’t want to have that conversation. It was awkward and made Ray feel guilty for making Jack feel guilty. Plus, thinking back on the times Ray probably should have said no… it made him feel kind of like a _victim_. Which was ridiculous, and Ray wasn’t some crying sorority sister, or traumatized toddler. He _could_ have said no at any time, and it was his own damn stupidity that prevented him from doing so, and Ray wasn’t going to freak out that he’d been abused by his boyfriends. He didn’t need that in his head, so those thoughts could fuck off. Especially since having that talk also reassured him that he was _safe_.

If Jack was so fucking worried about Ray feeling pressured that he would have that awkward ass conversation with him, and even went so far to make sure they had it in a place Ray could have easily gotten away to people he trusted, yeah, Ray was pretty sure he was in safe hands. Despite the awkwardness and the reminder of some maybe not so stellar memories Ray still felt a warmth in his stomach.

Ray looked over at Jack and slowly reached out to slipped his hand onto Jack’s free one. Jack glanced over and gave him a questioning look, and Ray gave him a fond smile, which Jack returned.

  
  


***

  
  


They arrived at Geoff’s to find Gavin and Michael already in the pool. Ryan raised his hand to them in greeting as they walked outside.

Michael was by the edge of the pool trying to splash Ryan, “Come in, asshole,” he demanded.

Ryan frowned, “I told you, I don’t have a suit with me.”

“And I told _you_ to just get naked. I promise no one will tell,” Michael retorted.

Ryan looked hesitant then cut a look over to Ray.

“Fucking really?” Ray exclaimed, annoyed that this was still happening. “Dude, get your dick out, I promise it won’t offend my delicate sensibilities.”

Michael laughed, “Are you sure? It is kind of weird looking, with the herpes mole and all.”

Ryan still looked a little hesitant, but actually did start to take his clothes off as he rolled his eyes at Michael, “I told you, it’s a _birth mark_.”

Despite how offended Ray had been acting at the thought that a dick might offend him Ray had actually been a bit worried seeing one of the others naked would be weird, but he was relieved to find it wasn’t. As much as the movies and shit tried to make it seem like all nudity was sexual sometimes it really was just not wearing clothes, and Ray was relieved he still found that to be the case.

Plus Ryan did have a very nice ass.

Jack changed into his own swimsuit and joined them. Ray briefly considered going in too, but then remembered that he hated swimming, so he sat down at the side of the pool with his DS, trusting that as dickish as the others were they wouldn’t ruin his electronics.

Ryan and Michael teamed up to keep Gavin from getting on his floaty for a few minutes, before they all settled down. Once they did Ryan paddled over to talk to Ray.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

They just stayed there like that for a few seconds, Ray playing Pokemon and Ryan turning his head up to the sun before Ryan spoke again.

“So seeing me naked doesn’t arouse you at all?”

Ray’s head shot up and he stared at Ryan with wide eyes. Ryan chuckled, “I mean, I know no one else is getting an erection, but I’m sure they _could._ ”

Ray’s eyes stayed wide and he glanced over to the others to make sure they weren’t listening and gathering future teasing material. “My dick works fine,” he told Ryan.

Ryan nodded, “Yeah, I know. But I was just wondering what it _feels like_ to you when you look at someone you _should_ be attracted to.”

Ray felt his eyes start to burn from keeping them huge for so long, “Uhh,” he answered eloquently.

Apparently Ryan thought that was a good enough answer because he nodded and pressed on, “Well I know there’s all sorts of things that I find nice to look at but don’t feel sexual urges toward. Is that what it’s like for you?”

Ray shrugged helplessly. The degree to which he wanted Ryan to _shut up_ was overwhelming. But the problem was, those were probably _reasonable_ questions.

He still just wanted Ryan to go ask someone on AVEN, they would know how a proper asexual was supposed to answer.

There were probably tons of scripts of pithy comebacks to deal with this shit. Ray wasn’t sure he wanted to necessarily _use_ them. He knew from when he was into the whole bisexual thing that a lot of those phrases were… not lies exactly, but definitely more bulletproof versions of the truth than was maybe entirely _accurate_ , and he didn’t want to give those to Ryan. Ryan, and all his boyfriends, deserved better than some _line._ But Ray had also never realized how much he appreciated the reference point those lines provided before. He’d never had to be told where to start when dealing with stupid questions about gay stuff, because he’d grown up hearing about it. But now he felt like he was standing completely on his own, being forced to make it all up as he went, and it was pretty scary.

He didn’t know how he was supposed to start explaining things, or which questions he should call out for being rude, or if somehow he’d _let the side down_ if he said the wrong thing.

But unfortunately Ryan’s curiosity seemed to be overriding his ability to sense when someone was uncomfortable and he just kept asking. “So what is it you like about sex? I know you masturbate on your own, so it isn’t just about giving something to your partners. Or were you lying about that?”

Ray shrugged awkwardly, “I… don’t. I mean, no, I definitely like jerking off…?” He trailed off, not having a clue on how he was supposed to handle this, and was just kind of worried that he would say something and have Ryan declare ‘Aha! You aren’t really asexual!’

But it seemed like Ryan was just going to keep talking unless Ray told him to go away, and Ray didn’t know how to do that without seeming rude.

Ray jumped when Geoff finally came into the back yard.

“I’m back, assholes!” he called cheerfully as he dumped a bunch of ingredients on the table and went to start up the grill. “Ray, could you come help me?” he called.

Ray didn’t think he’d ever be _relieved_ to be asked to watch Geoff cook, but he was just glad that it meant Ryan didn’t have the opportunity to continue the conversation. Ryan the creepy guy definitely had a talent for making him feel like an awkward curiosity at times. Ray’s only consolation was that he’d seen Ryan do the same thing at Geoff about his tattoos, and Gavin about his everything, so he was pretty sure that the problem lay with Ryan, not him.

Geoff was opening a package of burgers and peeling the paper off when Ray came over. He grinned, “I figure with enough guidance even you can’t screw up burgers,” he said delightedly, and Ray remembered what he’d said last time about maybe helping with cheaper meat.

Geoff was over his shoulder giving him tips the entire time, and told him when to do everything, so Ray wasn’t sure how much it could actually be counted as _him_ cooking, but he still felt oddly proud that the burgers turned out, so that was cool. Didn’t mean he ever wanted to do it _again_ , but at least it was bearable if this was going to be a thing.

Geoff called them all over to the table as Ray set the food out. “Why are you naked?” he asked Ryan as he got out of the pool.

Ryan shrugged, “Didn’t have a suit.”

“And you didn’t think to borrow one of mine?” Ryan just shrugged again. “Whatever. Put some pants on to eat. I don’t want ass crack on my chairs.”

Ryan obliged and they all sat down. They ate in silence for a few moments, enjoying the burgers Geoff had made through Ray, when Ray felt someone’s foot hit his leg. Ray wasn’t bothered by it until it happened again, then he looked at Michael who was sitting next to him and glaring in concentration at Gavin, who was sitting across from Michael and giggling and twitching a bit. It wasn’t until Michael accidentally kicked him a third time that Ray realized they were playing footsie under the table, and Michael was playing to win.

Ray kicked his own feet out to help Michael subdue Gavin.

Gavin squawked, “No fair,’ at being teamed up on. “Ryan, help!”

Ryan laughed and tried to hook Ray’s leg, and soon they were all having an enthusiastic game of competitive footsie under the table, before Geoff somehow managed to knock Gavin out of his chair and stood to tickle him to the ground. Michael ran over to help hold him down and the two of them managed to throw Gavin, trilling all the way, into the pool.

Ray, Ryan and Jack cheered and clapped as Geoff took an exaggerated bow.

“Oh, come on now,” Gavin grumbled at Ray awarding them a 9.5 in the Team Gavin Toss.

  
  


***

  
  


They headed inside after awhile to the living room.

“Coin toss for who sits out of Mario party,” Michael said, digging in his pocket.

“No Nintendo,” Ryan groaned.

“Yeah,” Jack agreed, “Let’s play something with a campaign.

“Mario Sunshine?” Geoff suggested.

“No Nintendo,” Ryan repeated.

Geoff raised his eyebrow, “Okay then, what’s console that can be played local four player campaign?”

Ryan just looked at him for a second then sighed, “Fine, Nintendo.”

Jack laughed, “You know it is possible to watch a movie, right? Pretty sure those are six player.”

Everyone kind of shrugged in agreement and settled in to the long task of picking a movie.

“The Dark Night?” Geoff suggested, going over to his movie cabinet.

“Nah,” Gavin said.

“Don’t you have Nightmare on Elm Street?” Jack asked, peering around Geoff.

“Yuck,” Gavin commented.

“Okay then, how about a comedy? Shaun of the Dead?”

“Uhh,” Gavin thought for a moment, “No, that’s no good.”

Geoff looked at him, “No good,” he wailed, voice cracking, “it’s hilarious!”

Gavin shook his head aggressively, “No. I mean, yeah, it is. Just don’t want to watch it now.”

Gavin turned down every movie for about five minutes while the others got more and more annoyed.

Finally Geoff threw his arms up in frustration, “Well then what? You like kiddie shit, right? I think my niece left a copy of the Spongebob movie here. You assholes all liked that!”

“Yeah that would - no actually that wouldn’t work either,” Gavin said.

Geoff growled, “Work for what? What could your fucking picky ass criteria for a movie _possibly_ be?”

Gavin looked at the others and seemed to try and shrink into himself, “I just… I wanted to watch something without any romance or anything. For Ray.”

Everyone else seemed to suddenly understand, and instead of mocking Gavin like they should have they all seemed to be racking their brains for any options that fit what _Gavin_ decided was Ray’s criteria.

Ray knew they wouldn’t find any. He’d had this revelation two days ago. And maybe that complete erasure from media was part of what made Ray so angry, but it was mostly just annoyance at the presumption, “Who the fuck said I need something without romance?”

Gavin looked over at him and floundered, “Well, I don’t, I just thought you wouldn’t like that stuff…”

Ray rolled his eyes, “It’s fine. Even if it weren’t fine you don’t think I can say so for myself?” he snapped.

“I was just trying to be nice,” Gavin crowed.

“Really? How the fuck is treating me like a baby who can’t talk for himself _nice_?” Ray yelled, getting to his feet.

Gavin stood up too, holding his hands up in front of him, “I’m not!” he defended, “But, I mean, if you don’t like _sex…_ ” Gavin said

“What? You think I’m going to have a freak out any time I’m reminded sex _exists_?” Ray cried, ignoring the fact that that had occasionally been the case over the last few days.

Gavin shrugged, “Well I just thought that cleavage and such might make you uncomfortable, if you see it but you’re not into it.”

Ray stared at him opened mouthed at the stupidity for a few seconds before getting his voice back. “Gay!” he yelled pointing at Gavin, “Gay! You’re gay! _You_ don’t like cleavage!”

That stopped Gavin for a second, who just stood there looking like his mind had been blown. “Well that’s different…?” Gavin tried, sounding unsure.

“How? How is your not wanting to bang chicks different from my not wanting to bang chicks?”

Gavin just looked lost, but Ryan stepped in. He put his arm up across Gavin and forced him back several steps so he could stand looking at the still fuming Ray.

“Look, Ray,” Ryan said, raising his hands in a calming gesture, “Gavin was wrong to presume things about you, okay. That wasn’t right of him. We’re just all trying to understand. This is new for us, we’re sorry we aren’t doing very well.”

Ray stared at him for a few seconds, still fucking angry. But Ryan was right. The others all knew about being dudes attracted to dudes, but while the two things might have had some similarities, they _weren’t_ the exact same. He knew Gavin knew what it was like to suddenly have a discovery about yourself like this, it was stupid to pretend that wasn’t the case. But that didn’t mean that Gavin actually had a proper clue what was going through Ray’s head. The things that suddenly seemed important when figuring out you find guys hot, and the things that went with figuring out you were missing this whole big _thing_ weren’t actually very similar. So he guessed Gavin trying to figure out an ‘asexual awakening’ with only knowing that that kind of shit was scary would obviously have gone off course. Ray was sure he’d said something stupid about gays or whatever at one point too. It was just that he had so many examples around that he’d gotten over it before he even made it to high school. He guessed Gavin and the others didn’t have that luxury of exposure when it came to this.

It wasn’t, technically speaking, any of their fault, but Ray was still mad, and he wanted to take it out on _somebody_. It wasn’t fucking _fair_ that he had to set the fucking trail.

He looked into Ryan’s caring expression. Even with the weird questions he knew that Ryan had probably read more of the AVEN forms than he had last weekend. Maybe Ryan couldn’t fully _understand_ , but he was _aware_ of some of what Ray was going through.

Ray suddenly felt a surge of emotions go through him and took a ragged breath. He buried his face in his hands, tears starting to fall. He fucking hated this. He just wanted things to go back to the way they _were_.

Ryan stepped forward and pulled Ray against his chest. Ray wrapped his hands around Ryan and stood there crying. Ryan was so strong. Maybe he couldn’t do this for Ray, but he sure as shit could be their while Ray did it, at least. He didn’t _have_ to be alone.

Apparently the whole ‘don’t talk about it, it would be weird’ idea Ray had been working off of didn’t work. In the silence the others had just been filling in their own variety of weirdness.

But maybe if they talked they could figure something out. As awkward as the questions were sure to be, Ray had so many stupid, probably vaguely insulting questions of his own that he kind of _needed_ to ask. And yeah, maybe the whole sexuality thing was a barrier that they could never fully scale, but they _definitely_ weren’t going to do it by not trying.

Eventually Ray got himself under control as Ryan shushed him and stroked his hair. Ray reached up and rubbed his eyes, “Okay. Okay. I think we maybe need to talk,” he suggested with a laugh, and turned to look at the others.

He saw a couple of them had red eyes as well, and realized again how stressful this had to be for them too.

Ryan reached up and stroked his face, “It’s okay,” he reassured Ray, sitting down on the couch and tugging Ray’s arm for him to join him.

Ray nodded and took the tissue box Jack offered to dab at his face, “Okay then,” He said, taking a deep breath, “So what’s been going on?”

The others sat staring at him for a moment before Ray sighed and figured he had to just bite the bullet and start this _somewhere._ He decided to start with the most recent and obvious problem, “Gavin, you get I’m not a child that needs protecting, right?”

Gavin nodded hesitantly, “I know. But, it’s just, if you don’t have sex thoughts, than you’re kind of like, innocent _like_ a kid, right?”

Ray had to fight _very_ hard not to roll his eyes at that. “Dude, no. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in your head, but I’m pretty sure _no one’s_ definition of a child is just ‘don’t have sex thoughts.’ If you got your nuts chopped off we wouldn’t call _you_ a child, right?”

Gavin considered that, then nodded, “Oh, yeah, guess you’re right,” he chuckled at himself nervously.

Ray looked over at Geoff next. He got the feeling Geoff was having some serious overprotective issues of his own.

But before he could say anything to Geoff Michael cut in, “So what was all that last week?” Ray frowned at him, “You had some sort of freak out last week. Why?”

“Oh,” Ray said, realizing that he’d never actually _told_ the others what the problem was, “Uhh, it was Gavin’s stupid bet. His no banging or jerking off bet. It was just, I don’t know. You guys weren’t having sex, so it was like the sex was _everywhere_. It freaked me out a bit.”

Ray saw understanding dawn on all their faces and kicked himself for not explaining sooner.

Michael looked relieved, “Thank fuck, dude. We were all worried that it was because you realized how much you _liked_ when no one was having sex.”

Ray shook his head and laughed, “God no. Please never do that again.”

Michael laughed back, “Promise,” he said, then looked a bit serious again. “So do you want to have sex with us? Trust me, no one’s going to have a problem if you don’t want to. Or… even if you only want to with some of us? We know that sometimes it can be different with different people?” Michael said tentatively.

Ray could tell from the almost rehearsed quality to Michael’s words that this was definitely another thing that had been talked about behind his back. Ray shot a glance at Geoff but he raised his hands in innocence and pointed at Jack.

“Thanks asshole,” Jack said then turned to Ray, “We just want you to be comfortable, okay.”

Ray nodded, “Yeah, whatever you gossiping dicks. And, uh, no I _like_ sex. It’s fun. I mean it’s weird thinking that there’s this whole other _part_ of it that your getting and I’m not, and that’ll be weird for a bit, but I don’t want to _never_ have sex,” Ray glanced back up at them, “Just, uhh, not for a little bit, yeah? The whole thing with the bet kind of… uhh left me a bit… _shaky_.”

They all nodded hurriedly.

“Just let us know when you do want it okay? You ever initiate we’re all here for you,” Geoff said.

Ray wrinkled his nose a the thought of having to _initiate_. Having someone wanting sex and coming to him was cool, but actually ever going up to one of them specifically for it? He’d pass.

Ray shook his head, “How about I let you guys know when I’m ready again. I, uhh, don’t really like the thought of actually, you know, _asking_. I’ll say no if I don’t want to.”

Geoff hummed, “Alright for now. And maybe we’ll work on that whole ‘not wanting to ask thing’ later.”

Ray shrugged in agreement.

Geoff nodded, “Alright, so, uhh, will you… get jealous of the five of us going and boning without you?” he asked, eyebrows raised hesitantly.

Ray wanted to say no immediately, but then figured they were actually supposed to be communicating here and thought about it. The thought of them having sex without him wasn’t really an issue. But then again, sex wasn’t just sex, and missing out on that closeness didn’t really appeal to him all that much. And besides, he didn’t think he could take many nights of them getting together to do things _without_ him.

Ray sighed, “I don’t know,” he answered honestly, “So, I guess, we’ll see.”

Geoff nodded, “Yeah, I guess we’ll see.”

Geoff cast a glance around at the others who were all sitting quietly, asking with his eyes if they had anything to add, then when he didn’t get any takers Geoff tilted his head and chuckled nervously, “So what do you want to do other than sex?”

Ray gave Geoff a questioning look, but he didn’t seem like he was going to elaborate. “What do you mean ‘other than sex’? We just do what we do, but without the sex?”

Geoff shrugged, “Yeah, but that’s a lot of time to fill,” Geoff said.

Ray laughed in surprise, “Seriously? Dude I don’t know what you’re getting up to when I’m not here, but we aren’t exactly banging 24/7.”

Geoff looked surprised then laughed, “Oh.”

Ray thought for a second, then realized, “Was _that_ what the cooking was all about? You thought we wouldn’t bang so you’d _teach me to cook instead?_ ”

Geoff looked sheepish and shrugged and Ray laughed again.

“It sounded like a good idea in my head,” Geoff defended, which just got the others chuckling at him too. Geoff grumbled and leaned back, arms crossed.

“So, uhh, do you have any questions for us?” Gavin asked.

Ray snorted, “Dude, so fucking many, you might regret going there.”

The others laughed. “I can imagine,” Jack said.

“We’ve had a bunch of questions for you,” Gavin added, “But Ryan said it would be rude and _forbade_ us asking.”

Ray looked at Gavin incredulously, then at Ryan who shrugged and back to Gavin, “Ryan has been asking so many fucking questions!” he exclaimed.

Gavin laughed in surprise, “Ryan’s a douche.”

“Ryan’s a douche,” Ray agreed, and smiled around at his boyfriends.

He was still scared and lost. He didn’t know half as much about how the world worked as he thought he did. But that was okay. Eventually he _would_ find his footing again. And he didn’t need to do it alone. He and his boyfriends weren’t going to be destroyed by a little bit of awkwardness, after all. Things would be okay.

  
  



End file.
